Don't Bait Me Into Being The Angry Black Woman
It’s been a rough two weeks. Plain and simple. Work has not been kind and I think I’m being tested. What makes it worse is that work stress tends to be one of my triggers for anxiety so needless to say, I’m on thin ice at the moment. Thanks to therapy, I’ve gotten better at recognizing these triggers and neutralizing the anxiety as soon as I feel it, but an incident last week nearly knocked me down and caused me to doubt myself.
Work has been rough these past 4 years. Thanks to Trump and his gang of goons, my workplace has become an ever revolving door of employee turnover. Add that to the stress of planning a workshop and you get a pressure cooker waiting to pop. Last week while going over logistics with my supervisor, our conversation took an ugly turn. She began to question my ability to do my job and stated that I seemed to lack confidence in my role for this workshop. The conversation went downhill from there. Please note that she’s only been in her role for two months so you can imagine the look on my face. I grabbed the arms of my chair to gather myself and proceeded to answer with caution. If you’re wondering, yes she is.
I spoke calmly, stated where she clearly had me messed up at, and let her know that she was new to this position, not me. After all that, she had the nerve to say “That’s the confidence that I wanted to see.” Sooooo what you’re saying is that you wanted neck rolling, hand clapping, and attitude which I wasn’t going to give. You wanted an angry black woman. It was almost like she was trying to bait me into giving her this strong reaction which as a supervisor, is not effective in management. I know that everyone deals with work stress differently and she stated that my calmness is something she doesn’t understand. That doesn’t mean I don’t know how to do my job or that I’m not passionate about projects. It means that I don’t see the purpose of panicking over situations which is something that white women do often.
On top of that frustrating conversation, she’s gotten into the habit of trying to micromanage me all while taking shots at my personality. I’m able to deal with difficult personalities, but this seems to be a little different. I started to doubt myself and that slow feeling of anxiousness began to creep up. It was coming off like sabotage so before I allow someone to mess up my money flow and cause me to step outside my character, I will see myself out. Friends and co-workers suggested I consider talking to higher ups to dissolve the situation, but I’ve seen how taking that route turns out. I do best by finding another opportunity and taking my talents elsewhere.
I think this incident might have been the kick in the pants that I needed. I’ve been saying for a while now that it was time to move on, but you know how it Is when you get comfortable in one spot. God shows up and knows how to shake the table. Someone tried to take me out of my character which could have put my position at risk. They questioned my ability and demonstrated lack of trust which are signs that it’s time to move on. I know that my next opportunity is out there. I just need to get up and do my part.
