How to support parents returning to work after family leave (especially during COVID-19)
I had my first child in July 2021, and he is a pandemic baby through and through. Most of my friends, family, and colleagues have never actually met my sweet son in person. Most of them never actually saw me pregnant in person. Like many, the pandemic brought many highs and lows, and I’m grateful to have come through the worst of the pandemic.
Lows for me included losing one of my best friends shortly after my birthday just five short months into the pandemic. I also lost my godfather/uncle while I was pregnant, and out of caution for my son and myself from a high-risk pregnancy, we weren’t able to travel to attend the funeral in person. And, like so many others, I didn’t see many of my friends and family for over two years. Those are some of the incidents that really stick out in my mind as times when I wish I had the physical comfort of more family and friends to help love me through the pain of loss. But alas, the pandemic kept us apart.
It's really hard to explain all of the emotions you feel while pregnant, and all of the emotions I felt as an isolated pregnant person during the pandemic. My husband and I received the shock of our lives when we found out we were pregnant naturally in November 2020 after many years of trying, a chaotic fertility journey, another precancerous scare, and surgery. This happened during the pandemic and after months of working long hours and nights ahead of the 2020 Election (and we all know how hard that was).
Months went by, and I grew, and grew, and dealt with migraines, morning sickness, and general aches and pains. I journeyed to the chiropractor twice a week for adjustments to help ease labor. I journeyed to my OB’s office frequently for check-ups. I took classes with my doula. And I worked. I also barely saw anyone, and sometimes being pregnant during the pandemic was an extremely lonely experience. It was also a joyful experience. Watching my son grow. I wish I could have shared that experience more with the people I love and care about, but the pandemic had other plans, and over the course of nine months, I grew to be content with the fact that my pregnancy journey was going to be vastly different than so many others.
“It’s really hard to explain all of the emotions you feel while pregnant, and all of the emotions I felt as an isolated pregnant person during the pandemic.”
Then, in July 2021, after thirty hours of labor and a c-section (long story that I will share another time), my son, Gabriel Langston was born, and I was changed forever. In the movie “Juno,” Jennifer Garner’s character, talking to Juno, explains that some people innately know what they want to be when they grow up. Whether that’s a doctor, lawyer, actor, etc. Yet, she knew she was meant to be a mom. And, that moment from “Juno” has always stuck with me because I have always known I wanted to be a mom and to hear someone else say it was affirming for me. When I saw my son, I knew all I wanted to be was his mom.
Fast forward four months later, and it was time for me to go back to work. I had already felt very anxious about returning to work for a variety of reasons, including the general lack of work-life balance and the “everything is an emergency” culture we created. I worked with my therapist (shout out to Christine) to help me formulate a plan to get me through the first week and those plans were a godsend. So much so, that I’ve now set up real boundaries for myself that have been crucial to feeling like I can breathe again.
We decided the best approach was not to overthink what my return to work would be like, but to stay grounded in the principles we had agreed upon, including shutting down work by 4:30 p.m. (when my nanny was leaving, or when I had to start wrapping up work to go pick up my son from daycare); not eating at my desk (hello, who does that anymore! And if you do it, stop doing it please); and generally, trying not to work into the late evening hours just because everyone else makes that project or assignment feel like an emergency when it’s not. My therapist reminded me that work will be there. She also reminded me that it’s okay for me to also take more time during the day or into the evening to get some things done as needed but to not make this a recurring habit. These principles were freeing for me, y’all!
“I worked with my therapist to help me formulate a plan to get through the first week and it was a godsend. ”
So, on my first day, I tried to stay calm, get motivated, and work through the thousands, literally thousands of emails I had received over the last four months. And honestly, please hear me when I say this unless it’s absolutely critical, do not, I repeat, do not email people who are out on family leave. By the time they get to it, it will probably no longer be relevant and all you are doing is clogging up their email, so stop.
That’s when the mess started, and this is where my advice kicks in. On my first day back to work, I was asked a variety of questions and for input on projects and work products, that I had no background information on. I was asked to travel for a work meeting that I was not necessarily needed at in person in two weeks. I was assigned, literally assigned projects due that day or within the first week of my return. I was never contacted by our HR team. I received no plan for my transition back. There’s more, but what I think what is most important to emphasize is that there was no real transition plan in place for my return, which meant, there was no plan in place for the many other people who would be going out on family leave shortly after my return, or who had gone out on family leave before I did.
Y’all, I cannot emphasize enough how problematic this was, and how disappointed and dissatisfied I was (sigh).
Bringing me to the topic at hand. I pray that these experiences never find you, but if they do, I hope you have room to voice your dissatisfaction and ideas for improvement. And if you don’t, there are too many jobs out there waiting for you to throw your name in the hat (LOL, but seriously).
Here are some tips if you are planning your transition back to work from family leave and/or if have colleagues or friends coming back to work after a huge life transition.
Please ask the person who is returning to work “What can I do to be helpful to you during your transition back, and what would not be helpful for you?” This may mean they don’t want you to copy them on emails during the first week or two weeks of their return; they may not want to attend every meeting unless it’s really relevant to any decision-making or knowledge sharing they need; they may actually want to jump right back in like they were never gone; they may want to be on a need-to-know basis for a while. It really depends on the individual person, but what’s most important is that you ask. I can’t tell you how much I would have appreciated someone doing this for me.
Since this person is just transitioning back, think about whether or not another person on their team can answer a question for you or if you should continue doing that particular project until they are caught up and you can officially pass on an assignment. The answer is probably yes to both, so keep doing that until you have your reorientation conversation (more on that below).
Before you return to work, ask your employer to give you a transition plan and a reorientation memo/schedule. This could include a part-time schedule and remote or hybrid work options. It should also include a memo from your staff about the work they have performed during your absence, and a plan for you to meet with relevant members of the team to discuss completed projects, upcoming projects, and any concerns/questions they can answer for you. I asked my staff to create reorientation memos for me when I returned to work and set up hour-long meetings with each of them to discuss the memos and anything they needed me to consult with them on going forward. This was very helpful for my transition.
If you can, opt for a part-time schedule for the first two weeks going back to work. More than likely, this is also the period where you are also experiencing another life transition, which is your baby going to daycare or being cared for by another caregiver. This takes time for you and your little one to get used to, so be gentle, and give yourself and your baby grace to get into a rhythm with the new caregivers. You will also need time to figure out your commuting schedule if you are going back into the office.
And, while we are talking about offices, if you can, ask for a fully remote or hybrid work schedule. Covid-19 is still a thing, even though some people don’t want to believe it. Your immune system is already about to be tried by daycare germs. I highly suggest opting for a remote or hybrid work schedule to keep you and your little one safe, especially since children under five cannot receive the covid-19 vaccine. Plus that time you will save commuting will give you more time to be productive at work when you are in the swing of things, and more time to spend with your little one.
Also, if your job has the ability to do this, hopefully, they hired someone to take over your work for you while you were away. If they did, ask them to extend that person’s time by a few weeks into your transition back to ensure you are fully reintegrated before they turn all of your responsibilities back over to you.
The Human Resources or People Management team needs to be in contact with you. They should reach out to you prior to your return to work to set up meetings with you when you return and a few weeks into your transition back to work. They or your supervisor should ensure you have what you need to go back to work and offer thoughtful plans for your return.
If you are nursing, your employer should set up a space for you to pump and store your breastmilk.
Do not assign any work to this person during the first two weeks of their return. Piling work on them during this time is extremely unhelpful.
Please send welcome back emails or give some small tokens to the person who is returning back to work. They will appreciate it very much.
Do not send the person on family leave emails. Do not copy them or BCC them. Ask yourself if it’s absolutely critical for them to have that email sitting in their mailbox for weeks to months. I can tell you, it’s probably not. So, don’t bother.
Please know that the person returning to work is dealing with a lot of emotions. They are also probably exhausted. I know when I returned to work, I didn’t feel as sharp. I felt slower than normal and it took me much longer to get through assignments than usual. I needed to deal with that on my own terms, knowing that so much of my time was going to my infant son, and I had to make adjustments for myself to ensure I was keeping up with my responsibilities at work. That also meant, like my therapist said, I had to give myself some grace. I am a different person now. Please try to recognize that this person is a new person and offer them grace.
Please show the person returning back to work compassion, grace, and common sense. (That’s the message).
My advice and experience are primarily for parents and guardians, especially first-time parents since that involves my own experience. However, this advice could be used for other colleagues, friends, and acquaintances returning to work from bereavement, medical leave, or other long periods of time away from work.
Again, I would reiterate tip number one, which is: Ask that person what they need and what is not helpful as they transition back to work.
Thinking about all that we have endured during the last two years of the pandemic, I want to reiterate how hard a transition to becoming a new parent can be during this time. And, maybe for some, it wasn’t hard, and that’s okay. I guarantee though, it is a transition. And, just like becoming a parent or guardian is a transition, going back to work is a transition. Be kind to yourself and to your colleagues, friends, and family who are on this journey. Be gentle, be caring, and please, show compassion and common sense. They will appreciate you.
