Troll-erific Answers to 10 Dating Questions You Hate
It’s easy to get caught up in the motions of dating–meeting another guy, getting excited, prematurely telling your good girlfriends about him, learning more about each other, realizing it’s not a good fit, blocking his number. Rinse. Repeat.
The easiest way to keep my interest is mastering the art of conversation. Words are sexy.
On the flip side, the quickest way to lose my interest is the opposite, usually riddled with lazy, unimaginative and lowkey problematic questions.
Being a troll is how I deal. It’s entertaining and clearly communicates that I’m not the one.
Because I encounter the following questions like clockwork, I know you do to.
Here’s some canned answers for future use. You’re welcome.
Q1: Send me a pic
A1: Have your pick: http://instagram.com/yourinstagramhandle
It’s imperative he secures a picture for his “contacts” and verifies your identity. Go above and beyond, and send his behind to social media profile.
Q1a: Can I have a pic that’s just for me?
Q1a: Oh man. I don’t have any. http://instagram.com/yourinstagramhandle
This is when he’s not satisfied with the Proverbs 31 woman-like photos on your Instagram. He wants a picture that would give your mother high blood pressure. Nope. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for an occasional provocative pose and tasteful nude, but you have to earn that.
Q2: So, how is a girl like you still single?
A2: Probably the same reason why you’re single.
I’m always taken aback by this question. Singleness is not a chronic disease that needs an ointment that you apply twice daily. There’s eight Black women for every Black man in any given metropolitan area. The better question is: WHY ARE YOU SINGLE?!
Q3: What are you looking for?
A3: Someone who doesn’t bore me to death.
Is it trolling if it’s the truth? I say if he’s intriguing, give a longer, more thoughtful answer. It’s a great way to outline your standards and expectations.
Q4: wyd (Not spelled out and without punctuation, of course.)
A4: Responding to your question.
I think I can deal with being asked ‘wyd’ 1 to 2 times a day. Any more times after that is just annoying, especially if you know I’m working or sleeping. He’s asking what you’re up to for one of two reasons: 1) He wants to make conversation with minimal effort, or 2) He’d rather confirm you’re not doing anything before proposing you two hang out. God forbid he asks you out without knowing what you’re doing, and you’re rightfully occupied. The horror.
Q5: R u up?
A5: Yeah. My sleep was just interrupted.
I don’t even believe in answering the phone after 9 p.m. local time unless you’re bae, or my mother, father, brother or best friend. The ‘Do Not Disturb’ is turned ON. What’s the Android equivalent of this feature?
Q6: What do you like to do for fun?
A6. I like to hang out with my friends, listen to music, try new foods, travel the world, meditate with Tibetan monks, binge shows on Netflix and volunteer with local political campaigns.
Keep him on his toes and confirm whether he’s really engaged.
Q7 What are you wearing?
A7: T-shirt, leggings, satin bonnet and an Indian healing clay mask.
Keep it 100 on this one. If you’re actually wearing lingerie or nothing, would you really be on the phone right now?!
Q8: So, when are you going to see me?
A8: Oh, I’m sorry. Did you have an activity planned and it slipped my mind?
You’ll see him when he asks you out. And not just for some Black Panther at the crib. He’s trying to take you to Wakanda, and we won’t have it!
Q9: When are you going to cook for me?
A9: When are you going to change the oil in my car?
This question is to gauge your domestication–whatever that is. Hit him back with a heteronormative gender role. Don’t worry if I can cook, clean and do that thing with my tongue. Worry if you can pay at least 50% on these bills, change a tire and mow the lawn. Even if you’re a B. Smith in the kitchen, ask yourself: What has he done to deserve a meal prepared by your blessed and highly-favored hands?
Q10: What would you do if I was next to you right now?
A10: Light a candle. Write you to-do list for tomorrow. Go to bed. Dream about winning the lottery.
If he trolls back with some humor and wit, you might have a winner on your hands. Until, troll on and continue to weed ‘em out.
What tired dating questions make you roll your eyes? Comment below.
