Where Is All This Coming From?

I have to be honest, it’s been a rough couple weeks. Every time I think I’ve gotten used to living through a pandemic, I get hit with a sudden wave of sadness and despair out of nowhere. Most of the time, it’s not even centered around the pandemic. It’s like someone decided to dig up an old memory or feeling and I’m forced to deal with emotions from years ago. I know it sounds crazy, but it’s like the extra time we’ve been spending in isolation has allowed for my mind to wonder to some uncomfortable places. While I see this as an opportunity to deal with these issues once and for all, it’s been tough.

Before you ask, yes I am back in therapy, but my reason for going was to deal with my re-emerging anxiety brought on by the pandemic and the ongoing fight for racial justice. I wasn’t expecting old triggers and memories from the past to show up and keep me up at night. There was one week that just a simple discussion with my parents sent me down that dreaded black hole of wild thoughts. The “What if” and “Why is life like this” kept racing around my brain so fast that I had a headache to prove it. I really had to sit down with myself and figure out the source of these triggers. Is it the conversations I’m having? I’m not seeing as many people these days so it couldn't be that. The bottom line was that I have more time on my hands these days and I don’t have a busy schedule to distract me.

Just last week, the black cloud of old insecurities and self doubt started to creep up. I tried using all of my self care tools to break up the cloud, but it seemed like even in my quiet moments, the cloud continued to grow. When the full storm broke out, I reached out to my sorority sister and asked her if she was dealing with the same mix of emotions and she immediately understood. The first thing she did was remind that we’re in dark times right now so not being ok is ok. In the midst of our conversation, she stated “you can succumb to the person you used to be or fight past it by using what you’ve learned along the way to defeat it.” That was it. That was what it took to snap me out of it.

I know who am and how far I’ve come. It’s not lost on me that I’ve accomplished so many great things these past five years, but I’m well aware that it doesn’t shield you from painful reminders from the past. Would I normally be having these thoughts if I was living life as usual? Nope, but maybe this is my chance to make peace with my old mistakes instead of burying them. Being in quarantine sucks, but it’s showing me everyday that I needed this down time to grow. 2020 isn’t the year I expected so I’ve made it my mission to come out of this year a stronger person then how I entered. It sucks right now, but I know the benefits in the end will be huge.

I encourage everyone who is struggling right now to stay connected to family and friends. Seek out therapy, reach out to those who care about you, and don’t be afraid to cry. Times are uncertain right now so it’s important to surround yourself with positive things.