My partner and I are family planning: Here’s why
I always believed I would have children before I turned 30. My girlfriends and I had our whole lives planned when we were 13. We would get married when we were fresh out of college (or at least by 24), have three kids before we turned 30, live in big, suburban homes outside of a major city, and live out our dream careers.
As a Millennial, now in her 30’s, having been impacted by the greatest economic recession to hit the U.S., and all that comes with those social and economic factors outside of her control, you could say that my dreams at 13 are definitely not my dreams now.
Despite getting closer to 30 though, I thought I would have had at least my first child by then. I would tell my partner often when we were engaged, “I don’t care what we’re doing, I want to at least have my first child by the time I’m thirty.” It didn’t seem like an audacious goal. We could be married, living the D.I.N.K (double income, no kids) life solidly for two years, and then I could pop out our first child by the time I turned 30.
As life does, my best laid plans haven’t gone as planned. The closer we got to my thirtieth birthday, other “life” things seemed more important than just popping out my first baby.
Like most Millennials, my partner and I have a considerable amount of student loan debt. According to Student Loan Hero, as of 2019, the national debt for student loans is $1.5 trillion, with students graduating in the class of 2018 owing at least $29,800. And, because we live in Miami, which has one of the most expensive cost-of-living rates (the average apartment in Miami rents for $1,819 per month), we had other things we needed to plan for, including paying off this debt, saving money for everyday expenses, figuring out ways to grow in our careers, and of course, learning how to be good spouses to one another.
Last year, we decided the best way to have children was to plan it out effectively and meaningfully so that we could achieve other goals while we increased our family of two (and a puppy) to include children.
When you’re 13, you often don’t account for all of the life things that may or may not find their way into your life as you get older. You don’t think about whether you can even have children, or if it will be difficult, or how much it costs, or whether you’ll have adequate health insurance. At least, I didn’t.
So, as we’ve both gotten older, these are the considerations we have had to make, and thus, our family planning took shape from not only necessity but practicality.
Our process began like so many women and men who have undergone any type of family planning: visiting our doctor and having a candid conversation about what it would take to be healthy enough to have children when we were ready to have kids. As one of thousands of women diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), I knew two years ago that having children would be a battle in and of itself. Infertility in women with PCOS varies between 70 and 80 percent. As one of thousands of women who struggle with fertility due to a medical illness, I would have to make deliberate decisions about my health and chart my fertility in order to maximize the times my partner and I should have sex in order to conceive.
While we didn’t want to have children at that time, we were intentional about asking questions about what would happen when we did, the type of contraception we should use, and other information about emotional and financial stressors we would need to eventually consider.
I was put on a general birth control pill to regulate my hormones, and reduce the risk of becoming pregnant. In addition, I started taking medication for PCOS to alleviate future fertility issues, and other symptoms of the disease. Like so many women with other fertility problems, I started to track my reproductive and general health using a menstrual tracker to ensure when we were ready to have kids, I’d have an idea of the best times to try.
My partner and I made tough decisions about our health insurance, choosing an insurance plan that would be beneficial not only for us, but for any children we may have in the future. While that would eventually mean more money out of pocket, it meant we could adequately prepare our finances for that dip to provide us with more peace of mind. Because we’re blessed to have health insurance, we were able to take these appointments and pay for prescriptions with ease, unlike millions of families who can’t afford insurance or necessary medical care.
After a year and a half taking these medications, I more recently spoke to my doctor about taking me off the pill, and then underwent a series of tests to assess my fertility health. I’ve had more blood drawn from my body over the last few months than ever before - first testing my hormones, insulin, undergoing a pre-natal risk assessment, and later a genetics test. My partner underwent a similar number of tests, for genetics and hormonal health.
To get my body ready to carry a child, I started taking pre-natal vitamins and folic acid, as prescribed by my doctor. Between this and frequent visits to the endocrinologist, I have learned through this process that there is a price you pay, physically, emotionally and spiritually, to carry a child, especially for those whom it doesn’t happen “naturally.”
What started out as simply, “We’re just not ready to have kids,” turned into an empowering family planning experience. It has been essential for my partner and I as we prepare to bring our first child in the world. And while I’m scared that it may take longer than we planned due to my PCOS, I’m excited about the possibilities about what it might be like to be someone’s mom one day.
My journey, like so many other women, isn’t unique, but is necessary. Access to safe and voluntary family planning is a right all women should enjoy, but millions of women around the world don’t have access to health insurance, contraception and other necessary medical care. Family planning has allowed my husband and I the freedom to ask questions, prep our finances accordingly to budget for a child, move into a larger apartment for more space, and literally “plan” to the best of our ability when and how we will have children.
If you’re planning to have a family of your own one day, here are some things we’ve learned in our journey so far:
Find a doctor you trust and who you feel comfortable with. Equally as important, find someone who is knowledgeable about contraception and fertility. Don’t be afraid to advocate for what you need.
Talk to your health insurance provider about your plans to have children and ask them about birth control, maternity care, deductibles, prenatal visits, newborn visits, hospital surgery care aka the whole works. If you don’t have insurance, there are a ton of free medical clinics that can provide you with advice on family planning.
If your insurance covers it, take a genetics case. It seems scary, but it provided my partner and I peace of mind. It’s also information you can pass along to your children about their genetic history.
Take the pre-natal risk assessment and never lie to your doctor! Be real about how your feeling, what’s stressing you, what you’re nervous about, and what other medical conditions you have.
Save 3-6 months of expenses to cover the cost of your living expenses if you don’t have parental leave (and even if you do).
Ask your employer about their parental leave policies.
Don’t let others dictate to you when you should have children. There enough stress in the world.
In a non-traditional sense, we’ve allowed our millennial-nature to empower us through this process of when and how we’d like to bring children into our home. This process has also been life-affirming: we are literally planning as best as we can to bring our child into the world — on our terms. I am grateful for that.
